A Torrid Affair
by Aescapist
Summary: Parody. A Swan Queen PWP chock-full of the clichés that plague f/f smut everywhere.


If you don't find yourself at least occasionally frustrated by the smut you read not actually being as immersive and titillating as it's meant to be, I'm not sure there's much point in you reading this. You have been warned.

* * *

The blonde crushed her lips against Regina's in a passionate kiss as she pressed the Mayor against the wall, cutting her protests off by deepening their kiss. The Sheriff flicked her tongue along the bottom of the former Evil Queen's lip, silently asking for permission. Regina growled at the blonde, but parted her lips a fraction and Emma slipped her tongue into the Mayor's mouth as their tongues hungrily battled for dominance. Their tongues continued in a wordless dance that seemed to last for eternity before Emma pulled back a few inches briefly for air, her emerald pools darkening with desire as she took in the brunette's beauty.

Regina, gasping for breath herself, narrowed her chocolate eyes as she dug a hand into the long, golden tresses of her lover and grasped the material of her red leather jacket with the other, pulling her in for another torrid kiss as their lips smashed together in a mixture of hungry lips, tongues, and teeth. The Saviour snaked her left hand up to the base of the Queen's neck as the fingers of her right hand dug deep into perfectly coiffed chocolate brown locks, her body pressing against the Mayor's desperately as the Mayor's hands and fingers danced against the length of her body that hummed with desire for the dark-haired beauty before her.

Emma's desire coiled in the base of her spine at Regina's ministrations that grew bolder every minute and the Sheriff could feel her twin peaks straining against the confines of her bra and tank top. Fumbling as they continued their kiss, the White Knight pulled her left hand from Regina's neck to slide under the Mayor's blouse and brushed her fingers and palm against the taut musculature of Regina's toned stomach, teasing the smooth expanse of skin as her fingertips reached the edge of the Queen's lace bra.

Before the blonde could claim those soft globes of flesh as her own, the brunette slipped her left hand under the White Knight's bra and teased the stiffened tip she found there, with her right hand firmly on the Sheriff's jeans-clad ass. A moan involuntarily escaped the blonde's mouth before she pressed her lips against the olive flesh of Regina's neck in quick, downward kisses of desire until she reached her collarbone, pausing only to nip and suck at the Queen's rapidly beating pulse point. Emma pressed forward, slipping her hand under Regina's bra to grasp and knead the protruding globe in her hand as she pressed her thigh up toward the apex of the Queen's legs, feeling the heat of her core even through the denim of her jeans.

The Queen's body strained against Emma's as a throaty groan escaped her red lips. Her left hand continued massaging Emma's breast as she took her right hand from the Sheriff's ass to the junction of Emma's thighs, unbuttoning the jeans expertly with one hand and unzipping the fly quickly soon after. Sliding her hand into Emma's pants, she could likewise feel the heated wetness of the blonde woman's desire through the fabric of the Saviour's black panties.

The competitive streak between the two strong-headed women reared once again as both the blonde and brunette pressed ahead, with Regina rubbing at the hardening nub through the black panties and Emma balancing precariously on one leg as she continued to exert pressure and grind her thigh against the Mayor's crotch, her left hand tugging at and twisting the hardened nipple between her fingers.

The Saviour could feel her legs growing weak as Regina continued stroking her clit relentlessly against her soaked panties, so damp that it now clung to her like a second skin. Emma pulled her right hand away from the Mayor's now mussed hair — which had taken on the quality of a cross between bedhead and sex hair — and lowered her thigh, planting her legs on either side of the Queen's, straddling her as her hand unzipped and dug past the Mayor's tailored pants and lace thong. Sliding her fingers past neat, trimmed curls, she slipped her fingers against the slick, wet velvet folds that invited her in further.

The White Knight slid two fingers into her lover and felt her clench around the blonde's fingers as a shuddering groan fell from the Mayor's lips. Emma felt Regina redouble her efforts as she too slipped her hand under the Sheriff's panties into her dripping heated sex, and they both groaned deep from within their throats under the exertion.

Emma tensed, feeling the imminent rush that threatened to explode, and thrust her fingers deeper within the Mayor, pressing against the sweet spot hidden in her depths. The two women met once again in a hungry, desperate kiss, conveying a desire, a _need_ that no words could ever express adequately as they both continued unrelentingly, with the Saviour practically grinding against the hand pressed to her slick mound as she thrust deeper and faster into the Queen's throbbing, heated sex.

A sound that sounded suspiciously like a whimper escaped the Saviour's lover's lips, and the blonde thrust her two fingers in as deep as they would go, pressing against the sweet spot once more, as her thumb stroked the Queen's clit in tight circles until she tensed and exploded in pleasure against her hand, gushing a creamy wetness as her folds convulsed rhythmically. A deep, animalistic, throaty groan welled up from Regina as she called out her lover's name.

"Emma — I'm — _ah_ — _Emma...!_"

The White Knight shuddered in pleasure in response to Regina's cries, feeling the brunette's pleasure rolling off her as she, too, reached the brink, unable to withstand Regina's onslaught on her hardened clit.

"Fuck... _fuck_— fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck," the Sheriff ground out desperately, before shuddering once again as waves of pleasure overwhelmed her in a spectacular orgasm that Regina drew out of her each time without fail. She felt her sex twitch and convulse as she wound down from the throes of pleasure, the two women sweaty and spent from their romp.

Gasping, Emma pulled her hand out from the brunette's sex, with a string of wetness that clung to her fingers. Making eye contact with the Queen by gazing into chocolate orbs, she lapped up the excess before pressing her fingers into her mouth, hungrily taking in the evidence of the Queen's desire in her lips. She took her fingers out of her mouth and pressed a heated kiss to Regina's waiting lips so that the Mayor could taste herself in the Saviour's lips as they deepened their kiss, one that still held emotion but was much calmer than their desperate, desire-fueled kisses just minutes prior.

Emma felt Regina's smirk against her lips as she pulled back briefly, their faces inches away from one another.

"Eloquent as always, Miss Swan," Regina murmured huskily, "even in the throes of passion."

"Yeah, well," Emma said with a frown, "I don't see you doing much better either."

And then pressed a quick kiss to the Mayor's lips with a grin.

* * *

**NOTE**: Please tell me you cringed, because I really don't understand how anyone can get sexually aroused by half the sex scenes I see in fanfiction. This piece was born from a conversation over fanfic pet peeves in general, but it inspired me to write a parody about the clichés in smutfics, and includes all of the most terrible offenders I can think of while still written 'seriously' (i.e. no WTF crackfic elements). If there are some personal favourites that you find missing here, feel free to let me know and I may include it at my discretion.

If, however, you'd like to tell me that I should just write well-written smut instead of this one full of clichés, you're probably missing the point of what parody means. Or if you'd like to psychoanalyse why this is my only fic on this account, I think it's a little presumptuous, but I would probably take you more seriously if you had a username/handle to go with it. Or if you think this fic's mean-spirited, it comes as a surprise to me, because spoofs and commentary do not have to carry ill intent. If you have something interesting, original, negative yet constructive, etc. to say, I more than welcome it.


End file.
